Booking my tickets for 2035
This week a post made the rounds on social media announcing plans for "an LDS version of Disneyland."
I admire the ambition. I sincerely do. Sometimes making myself breakfast feels like too hard a task, and these people are out here planning an entire scripture-based amusement park. I just...I have a few concerns.
- Disneyland is already the LDS version of Disneyland. While there in August I keept a running total of BYU paraphernalia spotted and the number was in double digits minutes after walking through the front gate.
- Scripture and amusement are not two words I generally put together.
- I don't think church leaders have time to design specific rides for a for-profit amusement park and if they do, that's not great.
- "Dark rides depicting missionary lessons."
- There is no room to build anything in Salt Lake City. That's why houses the size of matchboxes are selling for $800,000.
All that said, I will one thousand percent be visiting LDS Land with my grandchildren when it opens Mother's Day weekend 2035.
And I will one thousand percent be purchasing whatever overpriced, borderline sacrilegious souvenieres they'll be selling. See you all there!
L.R. Encinas recapped the latest episode of RHOSLC, which, TBH, was a stone-cold bummer.
At their haunted mansion, Mary and Robert Sr. are reunited as Robert Sr. was in Florida during the pandemic for A YEAR:
Like a tree falling in the woods without anyone to hear it, what’s a husband if he’s gone for a year and you never miss him?
Robert Sr. is bumbling about and Mary can hardly stand to look at him:
Mary says, “I don’t think we know each other. I actually love rice. I eat rice a lot. But I like the long grains. He always makes the short ones. And why does he not know that about me? And he’s like, ‘Here you are!’ and I’m like, ‘There’s the short rice.”
This is some Tennessee Williams-level monologuing. Theater nerds near and far should read this for auditions—“Short Grains” by Mary M. Cosby.
Read the full piece here:
This Is The Place (For Burgers, Fries, and Shakes)
Christy Gilbert wrote about our best burgers, fries, and shakes, and I drove to Shake Shack immediately after reading.
Many of our eating patterns are as regionally specific as the weather for which we dress. Like the Midwest’s hot dish and the breakfast tacos of Texas, Utah has its peculiar foods. We eat Jell-O salads at big family functions, but we also call deep-fried pillows of roll dough “scones” and order them as appetizers at our favorite diners. (Scones originated in the UK; over there, they are lightly sweetened, biscuit-like baked goods served with jam and clotted cream. The takeaway here is that anything called a scone is something you should eat.) We do Miracle Whip, cheesy casseroles, and a host of local products like Bear Lake raspberries, Brigham City peaches, corn on the cob, honey, and squishy sandwich bread.
What we do that I love most is the classic burger, fries, and milkshake combo. That particular meal is not, of course, solely Utahn. You can get burgers and fries all over the world, add a milkshake almost as easily, but the Beehive State has a couple of great edges on the market.
First, we’re completely saturated with them, which means you can easily enjoy a quality iteration of this meal anytime and without driving too far. In my mostly residential Millcreek neighborhood, just a mile in every direction, there are eight burger restaurants I can think of offhand without even pulling up Google maps. That's not counting McDonald's, Burger King, or Wendy's. Utah loves burgers. Lots of them.
Read the full piece here:
FROM THE PODCAST
This week on Hive Mind: Halloween was clearly directed by a man, The Bachelorette premiere was kind of boring, and the housewives should do a better of job of hiding their schemes. Plus a recorded reading of the full LDS Land post because I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
COMING UP ON THE BEEHIVE
Kyle Treasure is haunted. Watch for his story in your inbox Monday.