Titles: Rudy's Embrace
There is a subset of humans who consume NBA content as a niche genre in pop culture. They don't necessarily sit and watch every game, but they care deeply about the human drama.
I know these people exist because I am one of them. I follow all the players on social media, I know their dogs' and their girlfriends' names, and I know their favorite SLC places to eat (not Zupas).
Last week's Jazz v Pacers game was a big night for those of our ilk.
It felt like one of the more climactic episodes on any reality tv series. Or an awards show shock, a la announcing La La Land as Best Picture when Moonlight was the real winner.
I don't know who actually won the game, but in a way, we all won in terms of the richness of content.
All this is to say, WE NEED A REAL SPORTS WRITER AT THE BEEHIVE. Treating the NBA like I treat the Bravo world isn't going to cut it for this site.
If you think you're up for the job, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Will The Real Michael Jordan Please Stand Up?
Speaking of basketball, Arianna Rees helped us relive one of the most incredible events ever to happen in Utah that you've probably never heard of. I've spent the last ten years not knowing this story existed. In other words, I've wasted the last ten years.
Then the men in suits walked out onto the court. The lights went on. The decoy Jordan was fully exposed.
Fans on the opposite side of the court seemed to know what was happening first.
“He’s way too short,” someone in the crowd said and kept repeating.
The lookalike was almost a whole foot too short, in fact. His bald head was about where the similarities ended.
“Hold on, hold on, is that who I think he is?” Russell asked.
“No!” Fans shouted back.
“I didn’t think he was going to show up,” Russell said, utterly failing to read the room (according to Andersen, Russell always knew they were sending the decoy out on the court).
What the Flash could have done at this point was have Russell piledrive the decoy, spin him around on his fingertip like a Harlem Globe Trotter, and then stuff him headfirst through a hoop. Maybe Russell could have autographed shirts or kissed a few babies or symbolically smacked the imposter on the tush before making a shot over his bald head. All would have been better plans than what actually happened.
Read the full piece here:
L. R. Encinas gives us a play-by-play on what Andy Cohen called one of the best episodes of Housewives ever, edited like the most emotional episode of COPS in existence. Still reeling from Jen's arrest, the housewives start asking questions to cope with their new reality.
At 4:13 p.m. Mary arrives at the vacation rental in Vail. She looks around the house and Meredith is nowhere to be found. She hears an unusually saccharine voice, follows it, and finds Meredith with a bubble beard in the bathtub.
It is unsettling.
We haven’t come to anticipate behavior like this from the buttoned-up (yet cleavage revealing) Meredith. I, for one, would like to know Meredith’s Xanax dosage . . . for a friend. Mary isn’t amused and says she expects proper “eti-kwet” from a host.
Mary says she first heard about Jen’s arrest from Robert Sr., but of course she didn’t believe him till she saw the news herself. (She despises that man.) Mary says, “Meredith couldn’t have cared less,” about Jen’s situation. She tells Meredith to get out of the bathtub, but Meredith continues to sit in her own pruny filth and pours in more bubbles.
At 4:56 p.m the ladies arrive in Vail:
They find Meredith still in the bathtub. This is simply too much bathtub time. I need a timestamp for how long Meredith has been in the tub.
Read the full piece here:
From the Podcast
This week on Hive Mind: The latest RHOSLC shenanigans and more from The Bachelorette.
COMING UP ON THE BEEHIVE
We'll be taking next week to enjoy Thanksgiving, but we'll see you again in two Fridays!