Meg here again. Joined once more by Rebbie and Eli to recap Provo's Most Eligible Episode 2 in absolute horror. If you missed our recap of Episode 1, you can find it here.
To kick off Colin's second week of trying to land a lady friend, the producers put on a talent show and Colin performs a dance routine in front of the girls.
Eli: I guess the pilot was a success, then?
Rebbie: Why didn’t he DJ?
When I go to hell for the things I’ve written about this series, my eternal torment will be watching Colin’s dance on loop.
Eli: At least he’s already prepared to be my dad’s friend at a barbecue in 1995.
Luckily the show takes a turn for the better after Colin finally wraps up and the girls have a chance to perform.
Rebbie: Okay I LOVED THE TALENT SHOW! Could anything be more Provo, where dating is actually Miss America? The girls were clever and funny and the utter lack of sexual tension proved my initial theory that this show will turn out to be how 22 girls find their roommates for next semester.
Eli: This is a true story: one year at BYU my friend Nancy and I submitted our names for a ward talent show where we performed an interpretive dance about the story of Nancy and Sid Vicious and the bishop made us issue an apology later because of the violence and sexual content and my friend Nancy agreed to say sorry but looked him straight in the eyes and said “But I won’t apologize for the drugs because that was real and these people need to know what happened.” Anyway, a good portion of the performance looked like the above photo.
The girls’ talents include singing:
But the talent that impresses Colin most is a magic trick performed by Kate:
Eli: “And for my next magic trick, I’m going to give Colin a personality.”
So the next day he awards her with a rose and a surprise visit to her dorm room.
Rebbie: But was it during visiting hours?! Aka 6-8 PM on Wednesdays and Sundays?
Eli: Can someone explain to me what is happening on that door? Are those the names of the occupants? Do two of them have the same name?
Rebbie: Did you miss the early 00’s, Eli? EVERY girl was named Elle. Like all of them.
Eli: I must have been too busy dancing the story of Sid Vicious to notice.
Later that week (I guess? Time is not well explained in this show), he takes Megan-not-your-typical-Provo-girl on the first one-on-one date. They go to batting cages, just so Colin can instruct Megan on proper baseball technique, it would seem.
Rebbie: Except he fails to take advantage of what seems to me a very obvious opportunity to break the touch barrier, no?
I don’t know what Colin and Megan discuss or if they have a good time or if they're abducted by extraterrestrial beings and probed for hours because I’m too distracted by both Colin and Megan’s gum chomping.
Eli: Can we be sure that’s not chewing tobacco? I will start watching this show if you promise me several of the characters develop an addiction and the series ends with a fidgety Colin dumpster diving for used Red Man. Anything short of that, though, and I’m going to have to rely solely on these recaps to find out what happened.
To be fair, I am unreasonably bothered by other people’s chewing, but I feel even someone without my sensitivities would find this gross and obnoxious, right?
Speaking of gross and obnoxious, Colin does not buy Megan dinner. Just hands her a mug of hot cocoa. I bet it’s not even Stephen's. It’s probably Swiss Miss.
Rebbie: Just here to point out the 5 Books-Of-Mormon space between Colin and Megan.
Eli: I knew a guy at BYU who used to cite that rule and then pull out a tiny pocket-sized Book of Mormon and say “And that’s why I opt for this size!” Also, his favorite thing in the world was to say, when the clock struck 12:00, “The Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight . . . so that’s when the party gets started!” Then he would engage in such tomfoolery as continuing to drink soda and turning up the music a little. The point is he was a comedic genius and I can’t believe we immediately lost touch the moment he was out of my line of vision.
Bless Megan’s heart, she asks Colin to tell her about himself, and he does so without ever looking her in the eyes.
“How do you see yourself versus the other girls?” Colin asks Megan. “Do you think you have a chance?" If ever there were an encapsulation of BYU dating, it’s a boy who hasn’t put much effort or money into a date and is also dating twenty people at a time asking a girl if she thinks she’s good enough to date him.
Eli: “Do you really think you’re as pretty and skinny and ready to be completely absorbed into my void as the other teenagers?”
Rebbie: Once I played tennis with the BYUSA President for fun on a Saturday with some friends. When he dropped me off, he looked over with great sadness in his eyes and said he wanted to make sure I could handle being just friends. Because he was so used to breaking girls’ hearts that even being nice to them was a liability and they would just start naming their future children after his pioneer ancestors. He is still single and it brings me great joy. I think this makes 3 of us headed for hell.
At the end of their date Colin offers Megan a rose and for some unexplained reason she accepts?!
Eli: Ten points from feminism.
Colin and Megan do not get in the steaming hot tub sitting right behind them on the deck which feels like a real missed opportunity. Study your source material, guys.
Rebbie: Really though - is she a two-piece or a one-piece kind of girl? This is precisely the kind of petty drama we expect from this show.
Later that week or month or year who knows, Colin returns to the basement for another “cocktail party” (Kirkland Signature apple juice party) and Rose Ceremony amid some rather festive decor.
Rebbie: At this point I started to wonder if this was in fact my parents’ house. Mom?
Okay so after we published the episode 1 recap someone on Facebook revealed this basement actually belongs to Colin’s singles ward Bishop, which is just perfect. Most of the time I feel like we should shut down all social media for the betterment of humanity, but then other times I am given the gift of knowing that Colin’s bishop and his family agreed to let an amateur film crew run a morally questionable dating competition out of their basement and I feel very grateful for the internet.
Eli: “I’m not a regular bishop! I’m a cool bishop!”
Rebbie: WAIT my dad is a Bishop at Heritage Halls. You guys. Is this my house?!
Eli: I’m told I’m not allowed to ask whether there is sexual chemistry between Remington and Colin, but I just want to go on record here and say that if they make a gay version of this show, I will watch every second of it, twice.
A girl whose name I have not and will not bother learning, leads Colin to another heavily adorned corner of the house:
Eli: I might be willing to start watching this show on mute just for the Christmas decorations.
She tells him all the other girls are The Worst. Because they’re loud and fake. I wish that was a true statement. These girls are abundantly nice to each other and it does not make for compelling content.
Rebbie: She also mentioned last episode that she “doesn’t get along with girls.” It’s like she Googled stuff Mean Girls say.
Yeah and then faked being a Mean Girl very poorly.
Good news, though. The cinematographer learned how to use portrait mode on his/her iPhone.
Eli: Unfortunately, the cinematographer still hasn’t learned how to make these people interesting.
While talking to Analee, Colin mentions that it’s been a month since he last saw her.
What is the filming schedule for this thing? I guess this season is going to take 3 years? Honestly, that’s for the best. These people all need to be at least 3 years older.
Eli: It will be a race between the final Rose Ceremony and any one of these women discovering self-respect.
Annali (there are 2 Annal(i)(ee)s, which must make the name their generation's Megan- I was one of 18 Megan's in every elementary school class) thinks she and Colin have a lot in common because...they both watch Netflix.
Annali throws shade at geriatric McKenna, saying Colin could never be interested in someone so old. McKenna is 23.
Eli: These women are their own worst enemy. IT WON’T BE SPRING FOREVER, ANNALI.
I mean, yeah. Look at McKenna. She’s ancient:
Rebbie: McKenna is strong evidence that the legal marriage age should be at least the same as the legal drinking age. She is articulate and poised and McKenna, can you call me? I want to talk about how old you aren’t!
This girl also says a lot of the girls are fake:
We’re gonna need you to name names, sweetie. It’s like the producers give prompts to encourage girls to spill the tea but then cut responses for fear of hurting feelings.
Eli: What are the chances that she means “fake” literally? Like, what if a bunch of these girls are actually fake? Maybe it’s just one girl posing as 21 different women. Or maybe all of the tall ones are just Remington Norman Bates-ing because they couldn’t find enough women with low self-esteem to agree to do this show. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
Megan alludes to some tension with the other girls.
Again, why are we not seeing the tension? So far every gathering has felt like a very mild Relief Society activity with a member of the Bishopric sitting in. If there’s juicy dramz why are they keeping that from us?
Rebbie: Yes!! We never get any footage of just the girls together, so we can’t possibly feel the drama.
Eli: More evidence that it’s just Remington playing all 21 women.
Rebbie: I’m convinced they can’t show us because if they did it would reveal they are all just really nice to each other. Snoozefest!
Eli:You think this is bad? Imagine if they did Provo Bachelorette. 20 Colins sitting in a room together. I went to a lot of elders quorum meetings in Provo. That would not be a good show. I promise.
Good news. They are doing a Provo Bachelorette. Submit your applications now!
We covered this in the week 1 recap, but we need to revisit the moment when Annali asks for a kiss:
He tells her he just doesn’t do that with people he hasn’t gotten to know as his face turns purple and he starts to sweat.
Eli: That is the same line I used to use at BYU. Of course, I was a closeted homosexual.
The girl who called the other girls The Worst ( I already forgot her name again), pulls Colin aside to tell him that Lucy has a boyfriend.
When Colin confronts the accused, Lucy admits that she does in fact have a boyfriend.
Rebbie: K wait I swear this is the first I even heard of Lucy! Is she a plant? She’s his second cousin and they had her come pretend to have a boyfriend to up the ratings.
Eli: I’ll help you out, Rebbie. Lucy is Remington in a dress.
Of course Lucy has a boyfriend. It’s been a month since she’s last seen Colin and she’s a college student in Provo. I’m surprised she didn’t get married in that month, TBH.
Eli: But, wait. So, what? Did she explain why she was still showing up to do this?
Well, I mean, how come Colin gets to date multiple people but Lucy doesn’t? But yeah, she leaves just before the Rose Ceremony. A little too willingly if you ask me.
During the ceremony Colin gives a rose to everyone but three ladies. The fake Regina George is one:
Rebbie: This is meant to be a cautionary tale for us girls. A Sunday School lesson, of sorts.
In the beginning there were two sets of footprints. But then she looked down and saw only one set. Because no one wants to walk with a snitch.
He also sends home two girls who might be twins?
Eli: So the one with the boyfriend accepted a rose? I am so confused.
She left, Eli. Pay attention.
Eli: I’ve been playing a drinking game where I take a shot every time you write something that makes me embarrassed I lived in Provo for six years. It’s getttting really hard to atttention.
After the three rejected women leave, 8 girls and one Jesus remain.
Eli: HE GOT RID OF SOME OF THE JESUSES?!
And the world reluctantly waits for episode three. BUT WAIT. Some disturbing news hit twitter on February 8:
When this news broke, I figured it was probably for the best. If this thing goes any more viral and the internet writ large finds it, Utahns will be canceled. We’ll be run out of society just like we were run out of Missouri (too soon?). But I didn’t think I could live without knowing how Colin’s bishop’s basement would be decorated for St. Patrick's Day. So imagine my relief when Remington and team announced that the show would go on, just with a different name.
They followed the rebrand with the release of episode 3, and hooooo-boy is it a doozy! Stay tuned for the recap next week.