In between episodes two and three, the Provo’s Most Eligible production team managed to land some sponsors. Their promotion of these sponsors is about as subtle as the spray tan my friend who "knew what she was doing" gave me when I was 13 with a product from Bath and Body Works.
The first twenty or so minutes of the episode is nothing more than an infomercial for Getout Games, an escape room empire.
Eli: Fitting, as this show so far has felt a lot like the movie Get Out.
Rebbie: Are Escape Rooms the new mini golf?
Sure it’s a group date, but more importantly, it’s the fulfillment of a contractual obligation.
Eli: I’m pretty sure none of these people are old enough to enter into a binding contract.
Rebbie: Don’t forget ancient McKenna, Eli. She’s old enough to be their aunt at least.
A Getout Games representative spends way too long explaining how an escape room works. The concept is simple. You escape a room.
Rebbie: I kept fast forwarding and it just kept going. Isn’t there a film school at BYU? Isn’t there anyone in this town willing to donate their knowledge of film editing?!
Fun fact: I once tried to escape an escape room with Eli and his friends and there were a lot of very big personalities in that very small space and I got scared, not of the spooky props or eerie music, but of the possibility of looking like an idiot who couldn’t solve basic clues. So I spent the entire hour in the corner pretending to look for clues in a book but actually just reading the book. It was a dictionary.
Eli: I swear to you this is a true story – I spent the entire hour in an opposite corner from Meg reading a chemistry book for clues. Meg and I contributed absolutely nothing to the group besides being the two hottest people there.
What I’m saying is, I feel for the girls who don’t quite thrive in high pressure group settings.
Rebbie: They’re trying to find love in Provo. Every day is a high pressure group setting.
Shoutout to Getout Games guy who invited himself on this date.
Rebbie: Who could say no to that opportunity for fame?
Then there are the girls who recognize that the date is not actually about escaping the room, but getting face time with C-dawg.
How proud are we of Colin for actually making physical contact with not one, but two women, AT THE SAME TIME?
Eli: Well, he does go to a school named after Brigham Young. I GET TO MAKE THAT JOKE BECAUSE I SURVIVED IT.
Rebbie: Truly how could they miss the opportunity to rename this show PolygaDate? Just think of the sponsors THAT show would have gotten.
Eli: Do you guys remember that episode of ElimiDate when the guy was a total jerk and just before he was about to get rid of the last woman and pick the winner the two women who were left were like “We have something to say first. We elimidate you!” and then they walked off arm-in-arm? Now that was a good show!
Later that week Colin takes McKenna on a one-on-one.
They visit Clas Ropes Course, which is also a sponsor.
We get 20 minutes of lingering shots on the facility, then a few minutes of Colin and McKenna doing trust exercises, because who doesn’t want to relive the worst part of every corporate retreat on a first date?
Eli: “Colin, I trust you have a personality somewhere in there you are hiding from the rest of us.”
Then the pair dine at Zao Asian Cafe, which, you guessed it, is a sponsor.
Rebbie: Um. So maybe I was in Utah last week and I went to Zao because I saw it on the Provo Bachelor. Sex sells!
Colin and McKenna sit on the same side of the table, which could be for filming purposes. Or they could be freaks.
McKenna makes a pretty strong flex when she says she served her mission in Taiwan and shows off her chopstick skills.
You know what skills I have to show from my time spent as a missionary in Eastern Europe? Crying. And crying while eating. Neither impressed any of my post-mission dates.
“What are some of your life goals?” McKenna asks Colin. She is 23 after all, the clock is ticking, and with no time to waste she better determine if he’s serious about his future.
Rebbie: This is at least the second time McKenna has asked Colin this question, and I believe last time he responded with amateur DJ? Why put everyone through this again, McKenna? We had to watch him sweat bullets again at the hand of a girl who clearly overwhelms him, just engulfs his baby face with all the places she’s traveled that aren’t California.
But reader, when Colin asks McKenna what her life goals are, she tells him she would like to be a Disney World Princess. So.
Eli: I just told my fiancé about the Disney Princess part and he went on a two-minute rant about how that was a perfectly acceptable answer in this context, calling McKenna a “goddess” twice. Apparently he’s been watching this show without my knowledge. And apparently their target audience is gay men from Portland Oregon who know nothing about Mormons.
Colin presents a rose to McKenna and she accepts.
Though when he asks “Will you accept this rose?” the sound is muted, which must be part of the deal the series creators made with Warner Brothers.
Eli: When I was a Mormon missionary in Ukraine in 2003, I had to take an all-night bus one summer to get to my new assigned city. I always liked when this happened because they would play janky American movies from the early 90s, and as a Mormon missionary who was not allowed to watch non-church films I very much craved any secular media. On that particular night I desperately hoped for something cool like Jurassic Park or Home Alone. You can imagine my devastation when they put on a series of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movies with dubbed over Russian, all done by the same gruff man with a smoker’s voice. The point is, I wish they would do that for his show.
When I was a Mormon missionary in Latvia in 2007 we were taking a train to a Zone Conference and there was a movie playing in the passenger car. The movie started to get a little racy, and a lady complained. So the train people turned the movie off. There were a lot of disappointed missionaries in that moment. This has nothing to do with Provo’s Most Eligible, but if a returned missionary tells a story about his/her mission and you have a similar story that relates even the slightest bit, you must share. It’s one of Newton’s Laws.
Rebbie: I guess this means I’m required to tell a story from the time I did not serve a Mormon mission in 2009, which was largely due to the fact that I didn’t want to come home and have people make comments about how old and unmarried I was. Karma got me back though by cursing me with singleness until I was the barfy old age of 26! May as well have banished myself to Eastern Europe!
Another development between episode 2 and 3 is a new Rose Ceremony location.
The team also definitely bought a better camera because the image quality is *kisses fingers in the air like an Italian chef.
Remington is wearing a suit I’m guessing he bought during a chubby time on his mission (we all had them, re:crying over food) while he talks with Colin about how things are going in Colin's journey to find a NCMO buddy.
Eli: I had an oversized suit on my mission that I never cleaned and it got to a point where I could write my name on the pants by just running my finger lightly over them. I don’t know how I’m still alive.
Then the girls arrive.
All but one, anyway. Colin immediately notices Megan is missing. So he tries to call her.
Eli: What did he plan to say? “You promised you would let my friend film you worshiping me in my bishop’s basement.”
Megan does not answer. Because. You guys. MEGAN IS ENGAGED. IT’S ON INSTAGRAM. MISS NOT-YOUR-AVERAGE-PROVO-GIRL IS LESS THAN 20 YEARS OLD AND GOT ENGAGED BETWEEN THE GROUP DATE AND ROSE CEREMONY OF A SINGLE EPISODE.
Rebbie: Ugh, I tried so hard to stalk her but she’s gone private, which feels like a breach of contract from someone on a reality dating show.
I’m just a woman in her thirties desperately stalking a teenager on social media to see how her fiancé compares to the guy she was dating on a YouTube series. Nothing to see here.
Eli: I’m going to hell just for how I feel right now.
The final, and most important development made between weeks two and three, beside the frontrunner getting engaged to another man, is Colin getting some game.
He suggests he and McKenna do this thing while drinking their sparkling cider:
Rebbie: Okay except this shot makes it look like it worked. The reality was that their wrists quivered awkwardly as they raised their glasses, causing cider to spill all over them as they giggled. I’m perplexed as to why two people who’ve only ever drunk Apple Beer decided to go for this?
Because, Rebbie, sex sells.
Elena asks to speak with Colin and McKenna pretends to be mad because these people just figured out they’re on a show and you gotta give the people what they want.
Eli: Or they just figured out that he’s not planning on marrying all of them THAT’S THE LAST ONE I PROMISE.
During her conversation with Colin Elena cuts to the chase.
“What’s your endgame with this?” she asks him. And he explains that while there probably won’t be an engagement at the end of this journey, he is hoping to end up with a girlfriend.
Rebbie: Guys I heard people have been seeing him at parties with one of the girls and now everyone knows who he picked. DOES ANYONE MAKING THIS SHOW KNOW ANY OF THE RULES OF THIS SHOW?
Eli: I hate myself for worrying you were going to spoil the ending for me, Rebbie.
Then Colin talks with Analee, or more like listens to Analee tell a story about girls camp. Listening to stories about girls camp is almost as painful as listening to returned missionaries trying to one-up other missionaries' stories about movies on trains.
Eli: Girls camp! Your number one incubator for beehive radicalization. Batteriesnotincluded.
Analee's story is….long.
Rebbie: So long.
Annali, the other one, asks Colin about his biggest regrets.
Eli: Can someone who is still on his parents’ insurance have regrets?
He tells her he wishes he had played more sports in high school. Specifically volleyball.
Eli: I was so hoping he was going to say “Murdering my parents.”
Rebbie: They get so deep about their volleyball regrets, which I might have laughed off if I hadn’t recently been at the beach and heard a guy refer to the sunset as “sick.” California is too real to some people.
Annali brings up her failed attempt to kiss Colin last episode, and Colin responds by doing this:
Eli: My favorite part was when she slapped her hand against the steamy glass window and slid it down, sensually, right after he drew her like one of his French girls.
Rebbie: I WISH, ELI! I got more turned on reading your comment than I did watching this kiss.
Then they kiss a second time!
Mouths closed. BUT STILL. This is big.
Eli: You can do that with your mouth open?!? 2019 IS GOING TO BE A PRETTY EXCITING YEAR FOR ME!
Annalee is talking to the camera in another room when she hears the crew cheer.
When Analee realizes what the cheers are for she says, “She did not just kiss him! That’s so rude!” Analee, honey, do you know what this series is?
While Annali celebrates this big milestone in her “relationship,”
Word of the salacious act spreads and the rest of the girls are not pleased.
Eli: Does ABC have a Gofundme for its legal fees to shut this down? Because I will donate to that. And this is coming from a guy who has said no to the Petco people like the last 9 times they asked if I want to give to a pet in need while buying dog food.
Elena, yet to have her first kiss says, “I don’t think I want my first kiss to be in front of a camera.” Again, what do these girls think they signed up for?
Eli: Maybe they thought it was girls camp? That would actually explain a lot.
Yeah maybe they're all just waiting for the Snipe hunt.
Rebbie: I feel bad that someone, as Elena said, “spilled the tea” about her being Virgin Lips. What, you guys didn’t call it that? VL for short?
Oh yes I did. And blushed every time I said it.
After the kiss, one of the other girls pulls Colin aside because she has some news to share with him.
“I’m thinking of going on a mission,” she says, then adds, “I’ve opened my papers.” Maybe it's just me, but already opening your papers puts you well beyond the realm of "thinking of going on a mission." So here's what I think happened - she opened her papers, read “Boise” or “Des Moines,” decided maybe she could get a boyfriend instead, signed up for Provo’s version of the Bachelor to do just that, but then realized she wasn’t one of the favorites (read: not Megan), so decided to go on the mission after all.
Eli: Who can blame her? If I had known this alternative was an option in 2003 I would speak substantially less Ukrainian today.
“I don’t think you should give me a rose tonight because I don’t want to waste your time,” she says lovingly like she’s breaking his heart. I’m willing to bet he doesn’t even know her name.
Eli: These people are all just trying to get out of this show. OMG, it’s a race to the bottom.
But then Colin says, “I can’t promise I won’t give you a rose tonight.”
Rebbie: What? Colin. It’s 2019. Time to google CONSENT.
When it’s time for the Rose Ceremony or whatever Warner Brothers will let them call it, the seven women line the stairs of Wadley Farms (a sponsor).
Colin only has 4 roses to hand out meaning two girls will be going home.
Eli: I don’t know their names but I’m rooting hard for the white one with long hair and the modest dress.
In the end Aubrey is sent home.
But as she explains, “It’s fine. I’ve got Disneyland and I’ve got concerts coming up.”
Eli: Maybe she’ll see McKenna there!
Sister Missionary is also left roseless, as per her request.
Rebbie: Oh good, so he got on Twitter in between their conversation and now.
And now, five girls remain.
The next episode will premiere March 11, and the finale March 25 at 8 pm. UNLESS you join us at our Beehive Live event featuring Remington, his co-creator Carson, and Colin, who are all really good sports, for an exclusive early finale screening followed by a Q&A.
We cannot wait for this event and hope to see you there. Get your tickets now!
(Editor: Rachel Swan) (Design: Josh Fowlke)