Watching Provo’s Most Eligible Episode 4 was one of the weirder, more painful hours of my life, and I’ve given birth three times.
Eli: Meg watches this so we don’t have to. Remember her the next time you’re trying to find someone to name a child after.
Rebbie: Guys I watched it. And I enjoyed it? Never let me be a mentor to your child named Meg.
The episode starts with a long gag. Colin, who appears to be living with his bishop now, or at least hanging out at his bishop's house between classes, tries a bunch of times to call Megan. You know, the engaged one.
Eli: That they didn’t put him in the yellow swing is a missed opportunity. For me.
Colin then tries texting her.
Eli: She doesn’t have an iPhone. Move on, my man.
He then tries to act surprised when Remington shows him Megan’s engagement post on IG, even though Colin is the first like listed.
Rebbie: I really really want to see the full caption but instead I’ll make it up: “THIS GUY. (heart eyes emoji) So grateful to finally have someone to snuggle for eternity - especially through the long Utah winters (snowflake emoji). Because I am 19 and it’s been really tough to have been on my own for all 6 months of adulthood!!”
Instagram was not a thing when I got engaged because I’m an old, and not a day goes by that I don’t mourn the likes that could have been.
Eli: Meg didn’t get engaged for Instagram likes. That’s how you know her love is real.
Colin then channels Colton and hops his bishop’s fence.
All in all it’s a lovely homage.
To kick off his week of dating, Colin takes the five remaining girls to Classic Fun Center, a skating rink so central to my childhood I can smell the stale pizza and sweaty socks just thinking about it.
Eli: When I was 13, Jon, the naughty kid in the neighborhood who told me what sex was at scout camp, convinced me to lie to my parents about studying so we could go to Classic Skating with a few girls from school. The next thing I knew, I was skating hand-in-hand with a ninth grader named Melanie who was exactly one full foot taller than me, thinking to my very closeted self how much of a ladies man I was, when lo and behold the owner flips all the lights on and stops the music because some kid had vomited ALL over the skating floor. They made us stand on the side in our mysteriously-damp rental skates (WHY WERE THEY ALWAYS DAMP) while one teenager, not three years older than us, pushed a flat BROOM across the floor over the vomit until it was spread out enough that we could get back to skating.
Rebbie: I’m so glad to not be the only one triggered by Classic Skating. REMEMBER THE SNOWBALL? The slowdance of the skating rink, where they forced you to pair off and skate together, aka what Eli was doing before the kid vomit. The truth is I am never more certain of my own death than when I’m roller skating, and honestly I might have been the kid who vomited on the floor and I’ve blocked it out. This date is my nightmare, and also is Beyoncé not the mandatory playlist for roller rinks post-2013?
Eli: THE SNOWBALL!!! THANK YOU, REBBIE! That just reminded me of a memory I completely blocked from when I was about 9 and at a friend’s Classic Skating birthday party. I asked a high school girl to Snowball with me and she and all her friends were laughing because they thought it was so cute. Halfway through the song I pulled her hand really hard and she fell on her back and cracked her head on the floor! There was blood! I can’t believe I have TWO stories about bodily fluids on the Classic Skating floor!
I think it’s a safe bet to say that every kid who grew up along the Wasatch Front had their first romantic encounter and/or serious injury during the Snowball Skate at Classic.
It appears nothing has changed in the 15 years since I last visited this fine establishment.
Pretty sure that guy handed me my skates when I was 9. Pretty sure that carpet predates the dinosaurs.
Eli: It’s been a while since I was there, but isn’t that exact mural behind the space Jesus in the Visitor’s Center on Temple Square? If it’s not, it should be. And I will go back to church if they hand out used skates at the door.
Is that a promise?
Eli: It’s a threat.
Some girls on the date are better at skating than others.
Rebbie: See, in my mind being good at roller skating is a red flag?
Eli: That reminds me of a joke I heard once: “How do you tell your parents you’re gay? Buy a pair of roller skates.” In hindsight, that would have been a lot cheaper than the airplane banner.
We watch these people skate for way too long and very little happens in the way of relationship development.
Eli: Maybe not, Meg. But falling onto the skate floor at Classic is the closest we’re going to get to seeing these kids risk STD transmission, so it wasn’t a total waste.
Though not a lot happens during the seven hours we watch these people skate around, a couple important facts are disclosed in the on-camera interviews: 1. Elena and Colin have a class together. 2. Analee and Colin hang out on campus. Often. Both of these girls say they feel bad about the unfair advantage they have over the other girls because they truly suck at being reality tv contestants. I've seen girls on The Bachelor fake seizures just to get a little more time with The Bachelor and win out over the other women. And it was awesome tv.
Also, some of the girls accuse Analee of flirting with the Classic employees.
Eli: THERE IS NO WAY THERE ARE CLASSIC EMPLOYEES OVER THE AGE OF 16.
Rebbie: Who said they were?
Analee says that she’s interested in someday working at Classic (?!) and was talking to the managers to find out more about the job.
Eli: I want a spinoff yesterday about Analee working at Classic. In fact, Remington? Are you reading this? Stop following Colin or Coltin or Clint or whatever his name is and just film Analee’s life from now on. I’ll send you upwards of $10 if you do this. Also, sorry we made fun of your suit last recap. And your bishop’s Christmas decorations. And your show.
“I was not flirting, I was networking,” she says. And that’s my new LinkedIn profile description.
Rebbie: She really modeled how to spin a positive into a negative when being interviewed. I feel confident she’ll get the job.
Later in the week Colin takes Kate to FishKiss, a Fish Spa (?!)
Haircut here explains the fish spa process AT LENGTH and mentions the fish do not have teeth a suspicious number of times.
Rebbie: Okay also his garment line was extremely obvious in that white tee, which felt like a weird flex. Like not only am I handsome and have good hair but also check out my testimony, girl on a date with another boy.
Eli: The “celestial smile.” Are those still a thing? Have we not moved on from the weird neckline garments yet?
“THE FISH DO NOT HAVE TEETH,” he reminds Colin and Kate as they slip their feet into a tank of what I assume are piranhas.
Eli: “But they do have . . . EBOLA!”
Rebbie: For real, I googled it and last year a lady’s toenails started growing all funky and eventually fell off due to some rare bacteria she picked up from a fish pedicure. Also PETA is concerned because of overbreeding, which like, POOR FISH! We are feeding them our foot flesh!! No wonder they finally came for one of us.
Scoop-neck goes on and on about the ENZYMES and VIBRATIONS the fish emit, so Kate is right to pull this face:
The enzymes and vibrations tickle, I guess.
Once their feet are sufficiently gnawed, Colin and Kate head to Crumbl for some cookies.
Rebbie: Guys did Crumbl Cookies pop up before or after Chip Cookies? What I’m asking is, is it the Sodalicious or the Swig in this scenario?
Eli:I’m weirdly proud of the fact that I totally understand Rebbie’s question.
First came Chip, then came Goodly, then came Crumbl. So yes.
Colin and Kate’s cookie conversation is pretty decent, covering all the first date basics. Number of siblings, major, etc.
Kate is studying astrophysics. Colin is still without a major and wants to be a DJ. Kate is overqualified for the position of Colin’s girlfriend.
Eli: But, this is BYU. Her drive and ability to form her own thoughts will be weighed heavily against her child-bearing hips.
Rebbie: I wish that was a joke.
Eli: Me, too. I had a friend at BYU Law who had a guy tell her he couldn’t date her because she obviously wasn’t serious about eternal families if she was pursuing a law degree.
*Bangs head against the wall repeatedly
Colin offers Kate a raspberry cheesecake cookie in lieu of a rose because lawsuit, and she accepts.
Eli: I’m so glad they found Bob Loblaw to help them navigate these murky legal waters.
Then it’s time for the Not Rose Ceremony.
In their pregame chat, Remington tells Colin he needs to send home three girls. So I guess we’re just skipping right over the Fantasy Suites?
Remington mentions he’s heard rumors of a couple of the girls having boyfriends.
Eli: A COUPLE?!
Rebbie: This was where we find out the show is paid for by the Instagram account @ProvoGirls. Can @ProvoGuysAmIRight shoot the Provo Bachelorette for fairness sake?
“I was hoping [the girls] were going to be loyal,” says the man dating five women at once.
Eli: One of these women turning down a date and explaining she needs to stay loyal to a 20-year-old out-of-work DJ who has convinced his friend to film him dating a full harem is a show I would 100% watch. Remington?
One of the boyfriended is geriatric McKenna.
Rebbie: Okay I was genuinely surprised it was her until I remembered she is a thespian, with a career at Disney World to think about. It’s all been an act!
“[The relationship] hasn’t been the whole time even though it has been,” she sheepishly tells the producers. Wait what?
Colin confronts McKenna about the other man.
“I do have a boyfriend,” she admits.
Eli: “And he’s totally cool with this.”
Colin asks why she’s still showing up for the show, and instead of answering, she tells him Analee Ross also has a boyfriend.
Eli: ARE THEY JUST PUNKING HIM OMG I LOVE THIS SHOW NOW I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID EXCEPT FOR THE THING ABOUT THE VOMIT AT CLASSIC.
Then she walks out and hops on a motorcycle with her boyfriend. I’m surprised he can drive at night if he’s her age.
Rebbie: Okay, was this scripted?! Real life boyfriends do not ride motorcycles.
SHOW US BOYFRIEND'S FACE YOU COWARDS
Eli: Why have we still not gotten answers from the boyfriended about why they keep showing up for this crap???
Rebbie: What I want is interviews with all the boyfriends of these contestants. Can we get them for After The Final Rose, I mean, Raspberry Cookie?
Eli: They’ll probably be “husbands” by then. But, yes.
Colin then confronts Analee Ross.
She explains she had a missionary and he came home. They dated for a while, but it’s over now. A typical Provo dating scenario.
Rebbie: Also that all happened WHILE THEY WERE DOING THE SHOW. Which can’t be more than what, a couple months? Provo dating is dog years.
Next Colin talks with Kate,
who tells him, as gently as she can, she and Elena are besties and she values her friendship with Elena more than she values her relationship with him. Then she requests he not choose her. Hahahahaha. Tough look, Colin.
Eli: Sisters before misters amiright!?!
Rebbie: When I was single living in LA, a production company attempted to film the pilot for a reality show called “Marry Me, I’m Mormon.” We’re talking full-on Hollywood crew coming in to shed light on our weird little singles ward world. They spent months recruiting cast members, but could never get the critical mass needed to make it work. Everyone was simply too level-headed and aware of how it might taint their future job opportunities. What I’m saying is Mormons are terrible reality television fodder. We’ll choose a boring old friendship over juicy celebrity every time.
Speaking of, the next girl to decide she’s had enough of this circus is Annali the only girl to have kissed Colin so far, making her the only girl to even remotely act like she’s on a dating show and not a girls trip to Scottsdale. “I’m at the stage where I’m ready to get married,” Annali tells the camera.
I’m too lazy to look it up but isn’t she 19?
Eli: Meg. She just watched Betty White get hauled off on a motorcycle and no one even called 911 to report a kidnapping. Homegirl is staring straight down a barrel and she don’t got no more time to waste.
Regardless, the man who isn’t sure what he wants to study and maybe wants to be a DJ is for sure not ready to tie the knot. So Annali breaks up with him.
Rebbie: *David Attenborough Voice*: the 19-year-old Annali senses its impending demise, and in a desperate act of self-preservation, kills its enemy before it can be killed. Lolol this was clearly an act of self-preservation. “You’re fired - NO I QUIT!”
“I’ve got my eyes on another guy,” Annali declares as she waltzes out the door.
Eli: Yeah, I think he’s just right outside, like maybe on his motorcycle!
I look forward to seeing Annali on Real Housewives of Utah County soon, a show I would watch so hard, Remington.
It's shaping up to be a rough night for C-Money, who has now been dumped by three different women in one night.
And by the looks of it, the three ladies still willing to stick around.
Eli: THERE ARE STILL THREE LEFT HOW LONG IS THIS NIGHTMARE?
Colin asks to speak with Analee Ross again.
Rebbie: Here to point out the dramatic lighting. I’m going to give them some credit and assume it was intentional.
“I really like you. I just want to know how you feel,” he says. Analee tells him that she likes him too.
Rebbie: REMINDER: Earlier Analee admitted she was nervous about she and Colin being in different places for the whole summer (all 3 months of it!). This relationship will not last a week past finals.
So then Colin asks to speak with Kate, and tells her it’s time to part ways.
“I think we’re a little bit different,” the aspiring DJ tells the astrophysicist.
And now only two women remain.
Rebbie: The two he has hung out with outside the show! Providing shocking evidence that reality shows are in fact not a good way to find love.
Be one of the first to find out which of these girls Colin chooses at our finale event! We'll be screening the finale before it hits YouTube, and doing a Q&A with Remington, Carson, Colin, and the winning girl. We have only a few seats left so register now.