The Porn Czar

Utahns love pornography.

Years ago, a Harvard study declared Utah the per-capita leader in online porn consumption. Most citizens agreed on the problem while 100% of citizens said they weren’t the ones using it.

The state government took measures after people began complaining of pornographic images everywhere: nicely shaped apples; frothy milkshakes; over-iced cougar tails. Former governor Mike Leavitt allocated $75,000 to the nation’s first obscenity and pornography complaints ombudsmen, saying the position would “codify our highest moral aspirations.” The porn czar was born.

Attorney Paula Houston was hired and would field over 1,500 complaints. Some were mad about busty women and leggings on college campuses. Others were mad about Victoria’s Secret advertisements. Most agreed the number one problem was spam internet porn because the last thing you need when watching online porn is more porn.

The position was terminated after two years due to budget cuts and the possible realization that pornographic apples, milkshakes, and donuts are found in the eye of the beholder. Said State Senator Todd Weiler, “The whole thing was a public-relations nightmare and kind of made Utah the laughingstock of the nation.”

(Design: Josh Fowlke) (Editor: Rachel Swan)